To the 30 year old me.

Today is my 23^rd birthday and I am writing you a letter. Perhaps you are wondering why. Here’s an uncomplicated, trouble-free answer for that: I don’t want to turn 30 and ask myself, “Why haven’t I?” I’ve decided not to add this to the pile of regrets I’ll probably have in my 30’s. Besides, I’ve been meaning to write you a letter for a long time but you know how busy I am with irrelevant, futile things at the moment.

Before typing down my initial sentences, I asked myself: what would be the first thing I would like to ask my 30 year old self? For some reason, this query reminds me of the pageants you / we oh-so promised never to join but ended up on stage anyway. Yeah, we’re foolish like that. There are plenty of things I would want to know about particularly matters a propos to career and personal life, but ultimately, I want to ask you: “How have you been holding up?” I’ve been told that the 30s is a crucial stage of balancing out life. You have to know when to party and when to take things seriously. When I was in high school, I thought life in 20s will be sweet, thrilling, and seamless. But it turns out not all candies have a surprise center, and you wish you could warn yourself to stop sucking because there is nothing in there to swallow. How I wish being 20 comes with a survival kit.

You are probably dubious as to what this letter is all about. For now I can only tell you what it is not. It is not a survival kit for your 30s. The rest is for you to figure out as you read along the lines. This will probably be the longest letter you will ever read in your life.

I assume that at this moment, you have already met the man you plan on sharing your lifetime with. Thank heavens! Is he everything you’ve always dreamed of? Growing up, the guys you want to write love stories with are often fictional, which explains your lack of dating experience. You are one tough shell to crack and you have these impossibly high standards that real life guys might not actually have. But you believe otherwise, don’t you? You think that if a fucked-up girl like Tiffany was able to find Pat Peoples, you are going to have the same fate. You held hold on to Jane Green’s words. That there’s a lid for every cup, no matter how bent, misshapen, or ugly. If remembering the words of your favorite authors have helped you find the love of your life right now, then I’ve probably done something right in my 20s.

But if you ever find yourself still single, fret not.  You are probably worried that you might never find someone who can meet your Augustus Waters standards - someone who’s willing to sacrifice his last wish with “The Genies” to fulfill an insane dream of meeting your all-time favorite author. Well you have to remember that Maricar Reyes was in the same dilemma as you, but she got married anyways. On her wedding interview she said, “You can set your standards high and trust that God will give you that standard.” You see, just have faith and remember that it’s better to be single than be in a wrong relationship. For the meantime, enjoy your fascinating quest in finding your better half.

Have you been keeping in shape lately? When was the last time those running shoes have been worn? If you don’t know the answer to that question, get your ass off that chair and run away. Have you forgotten how freeing it feels to run outside with JT’s voice blasting on your earphones? It was your favorite therapy. I hope you can contrast how heavy you felt before you started running and how weightless you are afterwards.

Also, please don’t do things half-heartedly. I can forgive myself for being fearful in my 20’s, but I cannot do the same for you. Remember the quote that you would often repost in Tumblr? “Twenty years from now you’ll be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the things you did.” So get that bob cut you’ve been wanting to try, or color your hair ombre! Love someone like a madman loves his opium. Cry miserably when you’re hurt. Run and only stop when you’re fully exhausted. Express yourself in the boldest manner – let go of your safe words. Curse if you must! Do me a favor right now and listen to Sarah Bareilles’ Brave words.  

How’s mom, by the way? I know we don’t always get along right now; every day is a love-hate relationship. I remember Rhiannon’s image about her mom, “how no one can make you angrier, but how you can’t really love anyone more.” It’s the perfect description! I hope you spend more time with her than I did. Remember how you would opt to wake up at 9:00AM just to make sure that she already left for work so you won’t have to hear her incessant wailing in the morning? Stop that. You don’t want to wake up and find that she’s completely gone. 

As for dad, you are in-charge of his health. I expect his stubbornness to worsen as he ages so please be patient. He may be far from Ned Stark, but he loved us the best way he knew how. Give him the greatest gift a father could ever receive from his daughter by asking him to walk you down the aisle.

Career-wise, I don’t have much to say in this facet. I am already struggling with which path to pursue at the moment. Each turn seems to lead to a cul-de-sac, and I fear I may never find the way back. I wish that it’s you who’s writing me a letter right now, telling me to let go of the woes because everything I dreamed of doing transpired in finality. But since it’s the other way around, let me just say I hope you are genuinely happy with your career choice. And if you find you are not, don’t be afraid to start all over again. Remember your journey with Santiago where you learned, “When you want something the entire universe conspires in helping you achieve it.” Try showing the world how much you want a career-change and it might just be freely handed to you. Go seek your great perhaps just as what Alaska did. 

Viel glück my future self! Enjoy the ride.

Sincerely yours,

23. 

Facts I Hate About You

Pardon my way of rekindling my blogspot. I know it has been a long (way long) time since my last post, and it seems improper of me to begin again with this impugning rant. As I opened my email account to search for the job opportunity that Aimee had recommended several months ago, I came across our exchange mails. I haven't deleted it since I'm lazy like that, and besides, it is already at the deepest part of my inbox that it can only be located if I search mails from ages ago (which I did today). I fought hard not to reread it, but it was almost impossible to beat the urge. It upsets me how everything went downhill between us. I know, I know, it was my decision to put a stop to the kind of relationship that we were going. I've already apologized for that. It felt to me that it was the right thing to do.

What truly fired up my rage is knowing that you got back with your ex-girlfriend. Yes. You know..the one you promised not to have an affair with, the girl who broke your heart, the reason for your every late night calls with me. I know I shouldn't be affected anymore as it is no longer my business who you choose to date. If it had been a different girl, then by all means go. I've asked you several times if  you'd still want to get back with her, and your answer had always been a consistent no. What then made you change your mind now?

I have no right to meddle with your present love affair and I have no plans of going to, it's just...don't you know that getting back with her puts into question everything that has happened between us? I have this inkling that I was just a plan B of your plan A. That I was just a back up, a rebound for a love once lost. I have this fear within me that I was just a filler of the void in you. Was I?

Don't bother answering. I wouldn't want to know.

But heck, I've been through worse and you know well enough how I respond to this kind of situations. This'll just be one of my momentary wrath, I promise. You won't be a permanent scar in my life. No, I won't allow it.

I hate how you said words like you meant it, and made me believe it. But worst of all, I hate how I fell for it.

I am a work in progress.

A little while ago, my dad and I were watching a Bo Sanchez show. If you don't know who Bo Sanchez is, he's a devoted Catholic who spends his life preaching God's words and writing books about it. I was little when I first read of his works. It was a first for me to watch him on TV and I'm glad I didn't change the channel because when I heard his words, it was like God was answering what has been troubling me these past few days. I haven't been well you know. Physically, yes I am okay. But emotionally, mentally, and spiritually? No. Everyday I ask myself, what I'm  doing with this life of mine? And who wouldn't? I wake up, go to work, eat, sleep..that's basically the routine everyday. Who wouldn't feel ashamed of that? I feel like I'm purposeless and that I am living a life not worth living. And so every night, it's already a struggle to pray to God because I don't have anything to say. Things are no longer the same as before. My life is empty like a stomach that hasn't been fed in weeks. I keep waiting for that one thing that'll make me change my life's perspective. And so this morning, Bo was there to answer what God has been trying to tell me this past few days. He said,

"Repeat after me.

 I am God's own design.

God is not yet finish with me.

God will not give up His plan for me.

I am God's own masterpiece."

After hearing this, who am I to question God? Who am I to question this life that He has given me? He designed me in my mother's womb and knows every strand of my hair, every follicle that runs thru my skin. And if I am His masterpiece, surely He has a plan made out for me. At times I question, was I right in choosing this nursing career? Is this what God planned for me? Do I make Him proud? Maybe not. Maybe He wants something more from me. But I shouldn't worry because in time, I know everything that He has laid out for me will transpire at the right moment. The symbol of His son being crucified on the cross is His way of telling us "I will do anything for you. I will not give up on you." 

Thank you Lord for reminding me that I am a worthy individual. Thank you for making me feel loved especially in times when I don't even deserve it. Thank you for making me realize that you are not yet done with me. That a lot of things are in store and I should just wait patiently and trust in your power. Thank you Father for not giving up on me.

The Ex-files.

Balang araw, pag napagtanto mo kung gaano ako kahalaga sayo, pasensyahan tayo ha kung sumuko na ako.

Bitter to better.

Her eyes don't light up when she hears your name anymore. She doesn't get chills when you walk by her and her heart doesn't race when you smile at her. You don't get to her like you used to. You're just a bad memory from the back of her mind. So don't be surprised next time you make your way past her and she doesn't even glance your way. And don't bother trying to talk to her, you won't get a response. She's over fighting the same losing battle. The saddest part is that you have no one to blame but yourself. She gave you every chance you could asked for and you messed up every time. Now she walks around with nothing but a smile on her face and she laughs louder than ever before. Looks like you lost her, bro.

Reading this from tumblr definitely reminded me of how bitter I was back then. Well, I was young and in love. Don't we all get through that phase? But for everyone who's still stuck in the same situation, don't ya'll worry coz everything happens for a reason. You might not understand it now but eventually, you will. One day you will realize why things did not end as you had expected, or why things had to end at all. But believe me, such endings exist because new beginnings await.

The Daytime Call

I was in deep sleep when you called. After 64 days of not being with you, you finally came around. I didn't realize how much I missed you until I heard your voice again. I hate the distance, and all the crap that comes with it. But whenever I think about it, I realize you have the situation much worse. I have no right to complain. Instead, I should just sustain what we have right here and support you with all your endeavors. I should always make you feel okay even though things are growing harder day by day. Isn't that what best of friends are all about? So I'm just gonna keep writing until I run out of stories to tell. And knowing me, you know that's quite impossible to happen.

The 2012 Experiment

It's the first day of 2012 and I should be writing something epic. But instead here I am, completely lost for words. I thought about writing how my 2011 was. Sure, it would be nice to write about the year when I learned to be happy on my own, the year when I passed the board exam and finally got to call myself a nurse, and the year where I first got myself employed.

That's it for my 2011? Gosh, I have never felt a year emptier.

I really wish I could brag about topping the boards, earning a job in a first-class hospital, and finally saying yes to love again. But none of that really happened. It was an okay year- you know, the one where you can just label with a B+ rather than an A. I wish I could say it was a disappointing one. But then I realized the real disappointment here is me -- the writer, the maker, the dreamer. I could have written a better story for 2011 and made it happen. Instead, I left it as mere dreams. But I guess that's what New Years are all about -- we get another chance, another 365 days to make things right.

This year, I get another chance to forgive, to do better, to give more and love more. Not all people were given a chance to make it to 2012, let alone survive 2011. I know that because I work in a hospital and I see people being wheeled by a stretcher with relatives crying rivers of tears. I am one of the few lucky ones and I'm not gonna let this year be another waste of time and existence. I'm gonna show the world why I deserve another year to live. I don't know how but let me start with this writing. This is just the first page of a 70-sheet notebook, and if I get to write something in it, it means something meaningful is happening in my 2012. 

So watch out and read on :)

A little too late.

Last Christmas I only wished for two things: for him to miss me so badly, and for him to want me back with all his heart. I figured I've been a good girl all my life, so I deserve a wish come true on Christmas day. And hey, Santa did grant my wish. But he was a year too late.

Here you are telling me you miss me at the time when I have given up missing you. Of course you and I can't be together coz you clearly belong to someone else. But thanks for telling me you miss me, because you know what I felt when you said those words? Nothing. I expected butterflies..fireworks. But really, nothing came out. Not even a half smile. I can't even blurt out an "i miss you too" because that wouldn't be an honest answer. Because you know what I really miss? I miss the person that I was before I met you. The person whose happiness isn't dictated or dependent on any guy. So somehow, Santa made me realize that the things I have wished for in the past may not be the things I would still want in the future. Thanks Santa!

40 days away from you and counting.

Believe me, I want to make this work too. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining because I don't know what you're going through there..and I wish you'd tell me. Tell me how your day went. Tell me how your co-workers are treating you. Is the ocean being congenial? Are the nights getting colder? Please do tell because I have this empty gray matter wondering what you are going through..mulling why it sometimes take you quite sometime to communicate. Are the days getting busier?

I never gave you a guarantee that this'll end how we hoped it would be. All I gave you was a simple promise that I'm going to give it a try. So here I am, trying. And I pray to the good Lord that this are all worth it, because if not, I want to put an end to this already.

I miss you, Blogspot.

I know I haven't been blogging to you for the longest time. It's funny when I look at all my posts here and see how my old self was. You see, you have become a mirror reflecting the person that I was, the person I am, and the person that I'll be in the future. Nobody knows me better. And though I have 3 blogs and 1 social network account, you still have my loyalty. You know all my stories, and best of all, you know me. I have written you my dreams, my merriment, my heartaches. Someday I'll write you something significant again. Perhaps it'll be about the pains of being a pediatric nurse, or the rise and fall of a foolish writer..or maybe, it'll be about love again. Who knows? Crossing my fingers for that! I'll keep in touch. I promise.