Facts I Hate About You

Pardon my way of rekindling my blogspot. I know it has been a long (way long) time since my last post, and it seems improper of me to begin again with this impugning rant. As I opened my email account to search for the job opportunity that Aimee had recommended several months ago, I came across our exchange mails. I haven't deleted it since I'm lazy like that, and besides, it is already at the deepest part of my inbox that it can only be located if I search mails from ages ago (which I did today). I fought hard not to reread it, but it was almost impossible to beat the urge. It upsets me how everything went downhill between us. I know, I know, it was my decision to put a stop to the kind of relationship that we were going. I've already apologized for that. It felt to me that it was the right thing to do.

What truly fired up my rage is knowing that you got back with your ex-girlfriend. Yes. You know..the one you promised not to have an affair with, the girl who broke your heart, the reason for your every late night calls with me. I know I shouldn't be affected anymore as it is no longer my business who you choose to date. If it had been a different girl, then by all means go. I've asked you several times if  you'd still want to get back with her, and your answer had always been a consistent no. What then made you change your mind now?

I have no right to meddle with your present love affair and I have no plans of going to, it's just...don't you know that getting back with her puts into question everything that has happened between us? I have this inkling that I was just a plan B of your plan A. That I was just a back up, a rebound for a love once lost. I have this fear within me that I was just a filler of the void in you. Was I?

Don't bother answering. I wouldn't want to know.

But heck, I've been through worse and you know well enough how I respond to this kind of situations. This'll just be one of my momentary wrath, I promise. You won't be a permanent scar in my life. No, I won't allow it.

I hate how you said words like you meant it, and made me believe it. But worst of all, I hate how I fell for it.

I am a work in progress.

A little while ago, my dad and I were watching a Bo Sanchez show. If you don't know who Bo Sanchez is, he's a devoted Catholic who spends his life preaching God's words and writing books about it. I was little when I first read of his works. It was a first for me to watch him on TV and I'm glad I didn't change the channel because when I heard his words, it was like God was answering what has been troubling me these past few days. I haven't been well you know. Physically, yes I am okay. But emotionally, mentally, and spiritually? No. Everyday I ask myself, what I'm  doing with this life of mine? And who wouldn't? I wake up, go to work, eat, sleep..that's basically the routine everyday. Who wouldn't feel ashamed of that? I feel like I'm purposeless and that I am living a life not worth living. And so every night, it's already a struggle to pray to God because I don't have anything to say. Things are no longer the same as before. My life is empty like a stomach that hasn't been fed in weeks. I keep waiting for that one thing that'll make me change my life's perspective. And so this morning, Bo was there to answer what God has been trying to tell me this past few days. He said,

"Repeat after me.

 I am God's own design.

God is not yet finish with me.

God will not give up His plan for me.

I am God's own masterpiece."

After hearing this, who am I to question God? Who am I to question this life that He has given me? He designed me in my mother's womb and knows every strand of my hair, every follicle that runs thru my skin. And if I am His masterpiece, surely He has a plan made out for me. At times I question, was I right in choosing this nursing career? Is this what God planned for me? Do I make Him proud? Maybe not. Maybe He wants something more from me. But I shouldn't worry because in time, I know everything that He has laid out for me will transpire at the right moment. The symbol of His son being crucified on the cross is His way of telling us "I will do anything for you. I will not give up on you." 

Thank you Lord for reminding me that I am a worthy individual. Thank you for making me feel loved especially in times when I don't even deserve it. Thank you for making me realize that you are not yet done with me. That a lot of things are in store and I should just wait patiently and trust in your power. Thank you Father for not giving up on me.

The Ex-files.

Balang araw, pag napagtanto mo kung gaano ako kahalaga sayo, pasensyahan tayo ha kung sumuko na ako.

Bitter to better.

Her eyes don't light up when she hears your name anymore. She doesn't get chills when you walk by her and her heart doesn't race when you smile at her. You don't get to her like you used to. You're just a bad memory from the back of her mind. So don't be surprised next time you make your way past her and she doesn't even glance your way. And don't bother trying to talk to her, you won't get a response. She's over fighting the same losing battle. The saddest part is that you have no one to blame but yourself. She gave you every chance you could asked for and you messed up every time. Now she walks around with nothing but a smile on her face and she laughs louder than ever before. Looks like you lost her, bro.

Reading this from tumblr definitely reminded me of how bitter I was back then. Well, I was young and in love. Don't we all get through that phase? But for everyone who's still stuck in the same situation, don't ya'll worry coz everything happens for a reason. You might not understand it now but eventually, you will. One day you will realize why things did not end as you had expected, or why things had to end at all. But believe me, such endings exist because new beginnings await.

The Daytime Call

I was in deep sleep when you called. After 64 days of not being with you, you finally came around. I didn't realize how much I missed you until I heard your voice again. I hate the distance, and all the crap that comes with it. But whenever I think about it, I realize you have the situation much worse. I have no right to complain. Instead, I should just sustain what we have right here and support you with all your endeavors. I should always make you feel okay even though things are growing harder day by day. Isn't that what best of friends are all about? So I'm just gonna keep writing until I run out of stories to tell. And knowing me, you know that's quite impossible to happen.

The 2012 Experiment

It's the first day of 2012 and I should be writing something epic. But instead here I am, completely lost for words. I thought about writing how my 2011 was. Sure, it would be nice to write about the year when I learned to be happy on my own, the year when I passed the board exam and finally got to call myself a nurse, and the year where I first got myself employed.

That's it for my 2011? Gosh, I have never felt a year emptier.

I really wish I could brag about topping the boards, earning a job in a first-class hospital, and finally saying yes to love again. But none of that really happened. It was an okay year- you know, the one where you can just label with a B+ rather than an A. I wish I could say it was a disappointing one. But then I realized the real disappointment here is me -- the writer, the maker, the dreamer. I could have written a better story for 2011 and made it happen. Instead, I left it as mere dreams. But I guess that's what New Years are all about -- we get another chance, another 365 days to make things right.

This year, I get another chance to forgive, to do better, to give more and love more. Not all people were given a chance to make it to 2012, let alone survive 2011. I know that because I work in a hospital and I see people being wheeled by a stretcher with relatives crying rivers of tears. I am one of the few lucky ones and I'm not gonna let this year be another waste of time and existence. I'm gonna show the world why I deserve another year to live. I don't know how but let me start with this writing. This is just the first page of a 70-sheet notebook, and if I get to write something in it, it means something meaningful is happening in my 2012. 

So watch out and read on :)